Incipient

-look at title first-

As I was blog-hopping and came across some quotes, somehow the quotes all managed to echo a part of me. The part that is hidden right beneath everything. Honestly, sometimes I just want to be alone, have my own personal space but although you all probably meant well and really care about me, you all say I'm emo-ing.

I checked up the dictionary and emo (abbrievation for emotional) is not just once in probably a couple of days, a person goes all quiet and totally unlike the usual self so ya. I may be a different person when I want to be alone but doesn't everyone has another side of themselves that people normally don't see? Just because I'm walking alone, or never walk with you all or not speaking and just sprawled across the table doesn't mean I'm angry with you, especially maybe I just sounded disapproved by some actions you did. Sometimes, it's because I'm angry with myself for over-reacting and not caring that I probably did the same thing to you and guilty that I actually reacted that way.

I'm a person with a huge pride and ego. I don't say this word "Sorry" easily, especially when I did something or said something wrong. I will try to reason my way out even though deep down, I know it's also my fault.

I may seem all smiling, going damn high, laughing like crazy, but those were just one part of the many parts of me. And those usually last briefly. It's been a long time since I actually enjoyed myself thoroughly... laughed til my sides ache and I'm in tears...

I miss those carefree days.

Life is all a facade. Academics seem to be the only way to get acknowledged and respected and people will then deem you as successful. This type of life sucks. Everyone is competing against you, doing everything they can to outbeat you even asking notes from those studious people in class. If you did your notes but you think it is not that sufficient, well, that's okay. But if you just sleep in class, not bothering to make ANY notes at all and expect people to just hand you their notes they painstakingly write during class time, trying to absorb everything in just because you asked them nicely, well, if you asked me, I will just tell you two words "Get lost."

I don't like entertaining those who ask questions that are so obvious it's like right there, under your nose and just ask for the sake of asking, and those who do not bother to make an effort to do things for themselves and constantly seek others' help. Like seriously, can't you do your own notes? You complain the lessons are boring but did you actually open your eyes and ears to LISTEN to the teacher explaining, instead of cutting in when the teacher is explaining a certain topic to the class and complaining and whining. LISTENING and HEARING are two entirely different matter.

Everything seemed so fake and fragile , with cracks appearing everywhere. Yes, there are glimmers of light shining through the cracks but they're like the flame of a single candle. So easily extinguished. Hope is just like the flame of a candle. So is truth. Just when you though you found hope, discovered truth, worked everything out and about to reach the candle, poof! goes the flame, throwing you in a darkness darker than before, a hole deeper than before, questions in your mind more than before, confused and bewildered more than before. Then emptiness hits you. Anxiety just cause everything to be in an even wilder state.

You will never know when a person is true to you, when a person actually does not have any ulterior motives, when a person truly cares about you, when a person is your FRIEND, when a person pretends to be your friend, but behind you back goes spreading tales or gossip about you and whining to others, especially those who claim to be your GOOD friends. As in really saying "Hey, I'm your good friend."
If you just presumed that person is your good friend, and that so-called good friend ended up hurting you, well if I were you, I would blame myself and not others. Since a long time ago, I stopped believing in best friends, stopped being so naive and drew a clear line between friends and acquaintances, good friends and friends. I have a real small social circle cause the people I actually trust can be counted on just one hand, excluding my family.

"Loving someone is giving them the power to hurt you, but trusting them not to."
Well, I stopped trusting people so readily, always ended up getting more hurt and the wounds never seem to heal within time. They closed up, but there are scars to remind me.